NFL “bird” fines, how are they calculated?

Over the past couple years we have learned that the cost of flipping someone off in the NFL can range anywhere between $7,500 and $250,000. With such a wide range of prices, it can get confusing as to what exactly these “finees” (players and coaches) are paying for and how the “finer” (Roger Goodell) calculates the fee.

To get a further understanding of what goes into these birdie fine, we have developed an easy-to-follow flowchart. Good luck and please call the NFL main office at 212-450-2000 with any additional questions.

1) Are you a player?

Yes) Please continue to question 2.

No) Please skip down to question 4.

2) Are you a kicker?

Yes) You’ve been fined $7,500.

No) Please continue to question 3.

3) Are you Michael Vick?

Yes) You’ve been fined $10,000 and you have to donate an additional $10,000 to charity.

No) You’ve been fined $10,000.

4) Are you a coach?

Yes) Please continue to question 5.

No) Please skip to question 8.

5) Are you Rex Ryan?

Yes) You’ve been fined $50,000 and you will be called fat.

No) Please continue to question 6.

6) Are you a defensive coordinator?

Yes) You’ve been fined $40,000.

No) Please continue to question 7.

7) Are you sure you’ve answered the previous questions correctly?

Yes) Congratulations. Roger Goodell lost your birdie footage and you’re free to go.

No) Please continue to question 8.

8.) Are you the owner of the team?

Yes) Please continue to question 9.

No) Please skip to question 12.

9) Were you wearing a Titans’ powder blue suit during the incident?

Yes) You’ve been fined an extra $15,000. Please continue to question 10.

No) Please continue to question 10.

10) Did you display the middle finger on two hands, also known as a “double-bird”?

Yes) You’ve been fined an extra $35,000. Please continue to question 11.

No) Please continue to question 11.

11) How many times did you pump your middle finger?

1–3) You’ve been fined $60, 000

4-7) You’ve been fined $150,000.

8+) You’ve been fined $200,000.

12) Are you a fan?

Yes) Congratulations! No worries. Fans can’t get fined so feel free to throw them in mass quantities, individually or as a group, in the direction of all opposing sidelines. Just like the young soccer fan in the photo above is learning at a ripe age.

*An extra $1,000 is added to your fine for every swear word caught on camera. Good thing the audio wasn’t rolling when Rex Ryan king of the F-Bombs flipped off those beloved Dolphins’ fans in South Beach.

Used with permission of the author.

Logan Rhoades is a Los Angeles-based writer and contributor to Sports Climax. With an extensive knowledge of ESPN topics and celebrity gossip, he is known for mixing sports and pop culture to entertain his readers. Check out his “Skip to My Logan” blog and Follow him on Twitter @loganrhoades.

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