SOMEWHERE IN WISCONSIN – The 2010 FIFA World Cup is upon us, and the entire country is pretending to be soccer crazy, including my editor on this website who before this month thought a ‘strike’ in sports only related to ten pins and a  bunch of drunks in a Tennessee bowling alley.

This aberration occurs every four years when everybody jumps on proverbial soccer mom’s minivan, but I refuse to submit to the hype.

It may be the world’s game, but it’s not mine. It’s boring and sucks–which is the least of my “Top 10 things I hate about the World Cup”–besides those f***ing Vuvuzelas!

1. The World Cup is like leap year, in that it occurs every four years. The only difference is it’s much less enjoyable. If it were up to me it would be every forty years, and I would award the upcoming 2050 games to Mars.

2. Players acting as if they have been shot by a sniper when in actuality they have only stubbed their toe. Now I know where Pau Gasol got his acting lessons.

3. Referees who wear ear pieces as if they’re secret service escorting the Pope through the national Boy Scout jamboree. All they need to complete the get up is a bustier with the pointy bra. Strike a pose?

4. Alexi Lalas’ smugness (and hairdo). Lex is the only English speaking person who buys Rosetta Stone to learn English. What do you suppose these announcers do with the other three years and eleven months?

5. Tie games. They’re like kissing your sister*. If I’m going to invest two hours of my life watching a nil-nil (see below) game, I’d rather visit my dentist (which reminds me, I need to make an appointment. It’s been four years, and it’s a more enjoyable use of my time).

6. The use of the stretcher to remove presumably injured (see above) players from the pitch (see below). They should play the M.A.S.H. theme song in the process; I swear I saw Hawkeye and Pierce carting a faker off the other day.

7. It’s called SOCCER. I played football. I love football. Football is a game we, as red-blooded Americans love. You, my friend, are no football. Quit pretending to be a cool sport, and go eat your orange slices.

8. The use of British terms: pace=speed, pitch=field, nil=zero, etc. It’s a bunch of bloody rubbish. See, there I go again. If we’re not careful, we’ll all be talking like Austin Powers and have bad teeth.

9. Those stupid headbands the players wear. They’re OK if you’re a 12 year-old girl, which now that I think about it, go ahead and wear them. They’re all you, dudes!

10. The excessive use of slow motion. Do I really need to see the Dutch coach scratch his balls at half the speed?

* . . . ’like kissing your sister analogy’ does not apply to residents of West Virginia.

MORE FIFA – It’s time for America to embrace FIFA horns &  U.S. ties England 1-1 in FIFA World Cup

Re-printed with permission of the author.

Pat Schueppert is a contributor to Sports Climax who grew up on the frozen tundra and bleeds Packer green and gold. The Wisconsin native, while staying loyal to his teams in his home state declares he has never worn a ‘cheesehead’ and “The Bears still suck!”.

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