Terrible Towels malfunction blamed on Wisconsin maker

The FBI is investigating a Wisconsin-based manufacturer of the Pittsburgh Steelers Terrible Towels after the product malfunctioned during a crucial part of yesterday’s Super Bowl.

In a game that normally produces more than $10 billion in bets; the Feds felt the need to get involved after a credible tip accusing the company of foul play came in shortly after the game.

An FBI spokesman said the caller identified himself as an employee of McArthur Towel & Sports in Baraboo, Wisconsin who is the manufacturer of the Terrible Towel. Sources say the caller then shared video of his superiors instructing him to remove the proven active ingredient normally placed in the towels then watching over the employee while he replaced it with traces of Cheesehead Foam to reverse the effects of all the towels being shipped to Dallas.

The FBI confirmed they are using the video provided by the caller as well as video from the Steelers last game-winning drive attempt to piece together their case. With the Packers leading 31-25 and the game on the line with less than two minutes to play in regulation time, Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger lined up his offense with an opportunity to make a final game-winning drive. Steelers’ fans reached for their Terrible Towels, waving them in a frenzy.

Seeing the towels filling the stadium, football fans throughout the Pittsburgh area began celebrating their victory while others in Las Vegas lined up at the window to collect their winning payoffs. Five plays later the Steelers handed the ball over on downs and the game was over.

After the game, FBI crime units collected several towels from fans leaving Dallas Stadium to take back to Washington to test in the agency’s crime lab. If these accusations are proven, the company is sure to be shut down and charges for creating a product with the intent to alter the outcome of the game would be a felony in the first degree.

One shocked Steelers fan who asked to not be identified volunteered to hand his towel over for testing. “Here, take it, I don’t want this piece of shit,” said the disgruntled fan. “I knew something was different with this towel, there was nothing Terrible about it. I was waving it early in the game on the play when Ben went back to pass and threw a pick-six.”

When asked about the allegations, McArthur Towel refused comment.

This is a sports parody piece and is used with permission of the author.

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